The Black Dog

I went for a therapeutic run yesterday and I was towards the end when I saw my neighbor's terrible dog. As I got closer to the driveway it came up, angrily barking the way a dog does before it viciously attacks someone. I used to have a dog, I know the difference. As the dog foamed at the mouth I thought of something that Johnny Cash said in his autobiography, which I still haven’t finished by the way. Throughout the book he referred to his personal struggles as the black dog. I thought of this briefly as I was running past this rabid dog and decided instead of leaping over the fence or stopping that I would continue to focus on the course and not look at the dog. It continued to pace along with me, dangerously close and I was wondering if this was idiotic and that the analogy would end tragically with me getting attacked by this dog. But it never did. I stayed the course and finished the race untouched by the dog. I know it’s weird but God spoke to me in that moment, through Johnny Cash, through this angry dog, about how I have these things that are hounding me, my black dogs if you will, but if I stay the course and keep going, not bothering to give them too much of my attention, that they can’t harm me. They are all bark, no bite.

Boasting In Weakness

Is it the Christian’s goal to minimize personal inadequacies or to live for Christ in spite of our weaknesses? It seems like one gives God the glory and the other glorifies self. But why does it seem, myself included, that Christians many times want to hide any imperfections, suppress any negative emotion, ect. ? Recently I realized that there was a huge disconnect between what my head believed and what my heart was feeling. I believed that God would provide and that He was in control, so I tended to suppress any feelings of anxiety I might have had about moving to China. I would tell myself that my feelings weren’t true and that I shouldn’t feel that way because God would provide. Well, feelings have a way of eventually surfacing and it’s never pretty. How do we get our heart to believe what our head knows? This question is somewhat rhetorical because I am still learning the answer. We can look at the example of Christ, how he still wept even though he knew no sin. Even before He went to the cross He prayed and wept in the garden. If being perfect is putting on a happy face about going into the midst of trial, then He would have been the first to do it. He didn’t back down, He knew it was what the Lord had willed for him to do. But He was a man of sorrows acquainted with much grief.

As excited I am about going to China and as much as I feel it is the Lord’s will for me to go, a part of me is scared at the difficulties that lie ahead. I think that it is still ultimately worth it and I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. But I do want you to know that I do have my days, and I don’t always feel about it the way I wish I did. But as it says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” The Lord knows that I have a lot of weaknesses (physical and emotional) and my prayer is that He uses me in spite of them, and that through it He will be glorified and not myself.

Doing Laundry In China

It might sound like a mundane topic but there are some pretty interesting shots of of neighborhood in Shanghai. I made this in 2008 for a women's thing at Denton Bible, they wanted to know about everyday things that were different about living in another country. Sorry I say 'um' a lot, my first take was the best one but I accidentally deleted it. What's kinda funny is that I am uploading this while I am doing my laundry here in the states, but I have to put my computer on top of my washing machine because it's the only place in my apartment where I can get a signal. It makes it kinda hard to type because the washer is shaking violently.

train ride

This video was taken in 2008 on a train ride from Shanghai to Hanzhou. It was right after our apartment had burned down, Faith and I were in need of some serious r&r. One of our friends was going to Hanzhou, a city famous for it's natural beauty, for business and told us that we could share her free hotel room at the Radisson and go sight see while she was at work during the day. The ride was only an hour and a half, which was nothing compared to the 40 something hour train-ride we took to Kunming.

This is just the raw footage. I originally wanted to put this to music but I kinda like the noises in the background. The crunching noise you hear is the man sitting next to me cracking pistachios.

bunnies on the bus

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about writing. She was talking about how starting a blog helped launch her into writing a novel. I told her about my blog and then a realized that I have not written in this in for a whole year! I guess part of it has been that I've been waiting till I go to China so I have something else to write about besides ranting about theological issues. I also can get super critical of myself and prefer to write in a word document that no one will probably ever see, it's getting up to about 500 pages now. Maybe someday I will edit it down into some sort of memoir but I feel like something pretty epic has to happen in my life first in order to do that. I also need to get better at writing.

So for now I will post random forgotten pictures I took when I was in China, and tell the stories of the circumstances in which they were taken. Then when I am actually in China the pictures will be more up to date.

In Shanghai there are street vendors that sell cute little animals; chicks, bunnies, hamsters, puppies, ect. They take them from their mothers before they are old enough, but that also means they are super tiny and cute. One of my good friends once, in an attempt to rescue one, bought a small little shivering bunny, only later to roll over on it while she was sleeping. Needless to say, she ended up killing it in an attempt to rescue it, but I guess one could argue that it died happy in a warm bed instead of shivering in a small cage.

I have always wondered how these small animals were transported since most people in Shanghai don't have cars, and most definitely not street vendors. Well one day, I found out; they take the bus. Riding on the bus with the bunnies definitely made my 45 min bus-ride seem much shorter. I will never buy one and thus contribute to selling of underage bunnies, but I can enjoy their cuteness, right?

to the christians in my generation

I heard one time that when you crave chocolate your body actually needs protein, sure chocolate might have some good things to offer but a steady diet will leave you malnourished and if you really would have ate protein you would have fixed the problem. It seems as if the current generation has come to the Emergent church, much like people who crave chocolate really are needing protein.

My generation has had it with the hypocrisy, the legalism and the watered down disconnected evangelicalism, that seems to be all about formulas. It is right to be frustrated by these things. It seeks authenticity, truth that makes sense in everyday life, humble acknowledgement  that we don’t have all the answers, a renewed appreciation for arts in the church, and getting rid of some of the focus on trial matters. Then comes the Emergent church, with it’s loving tolerance, introspection, frankness, and cultural sensitivity.

 

It has scratched the itch, but only for the moment. It leaves us sidetracked with open-ended contemplative questions but few answers. It is self contradictive but redefines things in such a way as to seem profound. But it is lacking. It, like our current culture, has many uninformed opinions not rooted in any historical fact. It has cut both it’s legs and then wants to redefine what standing really means. It leaves spiritually anemic Christians that want to share Christ with others but since the gospel has been so stripped down there isn’t much left to share that even resembles the gospel.

 

I can say, at least for myself that it has been a battle not to get swept into this stream. If it is not called out for what it truly is, it can be quite appealing. For those that grew up in church and had some bad experiences, or where told if they listened to rock music they were going to hell, or that they were supposed to hate gay people. We should react strongly to these errors we were possibly exposed to. We should seek orthodoxy and faith that has meat on it’s bones. We should reject the health wealth and prosperity gospel that is out there. But we should not turn to the Emergent church for answers. (first of all because they aren’t giving any, they are mostly asking questions) We should seek truth, it hasn’t died in the 21^st century as many people would say it has. Christ is still alive and working. We should seek to communicate this truth to a post-modern audience without compromising it’s integrity. We should not just pick up the newest Christian book with an edgy cover and just mindlessly ingest the entire thing. We should go back to studying theology and wrestling with some issues. Truth doesn’t change, culture does. We should be in the world and not of the world. Our clothes might change with the times but our truth should not. We need to be discerning! 

how sure is "sure"?

Exactly to what degree does one have to be sure about something to move out of the realm of indecision towards decision? There has to be some point where one says, ok I think I can say I am sure now and not just wavering in uncertainty. This could apply to many life situations, where one is having to make decisions. I struggle with this. I over-think it, over analyze. Sure I might make fun of some of my friends for spending way too much time thinking over what soft drink to get or what to pick on a menu (you know who you are and I love you, and wouldn't want you to change), but really I am no different when it comes to them in larger matters. I think about all the different possibly options and how all the little decisions can have huge effects on the larger decisions. That is all I will say because I know that it is exhausting to have these long drawn out thoughts in my head and I don't really want to exhaust anyone else with them any longer than necessary. So you get my point. But there must be a certain point someone reaches where they are ready to stop musing about something and plan a course of action and take it. I know a lot of people aren't ever really 100% positive when making huge life decisions, which honestly scares me. I would like it to always be 100% yes, 0% no or vice versa. And sadly a lot of this is based on human emotions which we all know can be very flawed. So it's basically a gamble. You pray that God would guide you and your flawed emotions towards the things He wants you to do, and hope that you understand correctly and don't misinterpret things. But through it all He is ultimately in control and if He doesn't want me to do something He has the power to prevent it or to change my course. 

All vagueness aside I am really struggling with decision making in regards to the next 5 years of my life. I am considering going back to Shanghai with DBC. It would be a 4 year commitment, which anyone who knows me knows that 5 year plans scare me to no end, I don't like to plan more than a year in advance. But it also seems as if God is guiding me in this direction, I am just struggling with how sure I have to be to say, "I am doing this" instead of "I am thinking about doing this".