jennifirmin

The Black Dog

2010-11-12T13:43:00.000-08:00

I went for a therapeutic run yesterday and I was towards the end when I saw my neighbor's terrible dog. As I got closer to the driveway it came up, angrily barking the way a dog does before it viciously attacks someone. I used to have a dog, I know the difference. As the dog foamed at the mouth I thought of something that Johnny Cash said in his autobiography, which I still haven’t finished by the way. Throughout the book he referred to his personal struggles as the black dog. I thought of this briefly as I was running past this rabid dog and decided instead of leaping over the fence or stopping that I would continue to focus on the course and not look at the dog. It continued to pace along with me, dangerously close and I was wondering if this was idiotic and that the analogy would end tragically with me getting attacked by this dog. But it never did. I stayed the course and finished the race untouched by the dog. I know it’s weird but God spoke to me in that moment, through Johnny Cash, through this angry dog, about how I have these things that are hounding me, my black dogs if you will, but if I stay the course and keep going, not bothering to give them too much of my attention, that they can’t harm me. They are all bark, no bite.

Boasting In Weakness

2010-08-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

Is it the Christian’s goal to minimize personal inadequacies or to live for Christ in spite of our weaknesses? It seems like one gives God the glory and the other glorifies self. But why does it seem, myself included, that Christians many times want to hide any imperfections, suppress any negative emotion, ect. ? Recently I realized that there was a huge disconnect between what my head believed and what my heart was feeling. I believed that God would provide and that He was in control, so I tended to suppress any feelings of anxiety I might have had about moving to China. I would tell myself that my feelings weren’t true and that I shouldn’t feel that way because God would provide. Well, feelings have a way of eventually surfacing and it’s never pretty. How do we get our heart to believe what our head knows? This question is somewhat rhetorical because I am still learning the answer. We can look at the example of Christ, how he still wept even though he knew no sin. Even before He went to the cross He prayed and wept in the garden. If being perfect is putting on a happy face about going into the midst of trial, then He would have been the first to do it. He didn’t back down, He knew it was what the Lord had willed for him to do. But He was a man of sorrows acquainted with much grief.

As excited I am about going to China and as much as I feel it is the Lord’s will for me to go, a part of me is scared at the difficulties that lie ahead. I think that it is still ultimately worth it and I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. But I do want you to know that I do have my days, and I don’t always feel about it the way I wish I did. But as it says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” The Lord knows that I have a lot of weaknesses (physical and emotional) and my prayer is that He uses me in spite of them, and that through it He will be glorified and not myself.

Doing Laundry In China

2010-08-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

It might sound like a mundane topic but there are some pretty interesting shots of of neighborhood in Shanghai. I made this in 2008 for a women's thing at Denton Bible, they wanted to know about everyday things that were different about living in another country. Sorry I say 'um' a lot, my first take was the best one but I accidentally deleted it. What's kinda funny is that I am uploading this while I am doing my laundry here in the states, but I have to put my computer on top of my washing machine because it's the only place in my apartment where I can get a signal. It makes it kinda hard to type because the washer is shaking violently.

train ride

2010-07-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

This video was taken in 2008 on a train ride from Shanghai to Hanzhou. It was right after our apartment had burned down, Faith and I were in need of some serious r&r. One of our friends was going to Hanzhou, a city famous for it's natural beauty, for business and told us that we could share her free hotel room at the Radisson and go sight see while she was at work during the day. The ride was only an hour and a half, which was nothing compared to the 40 something hour train-ride we took to Kunming.

This is just the raw footage. I originally wanted to put this to music but I kinda like the noises in the background. The crunching noise you hear is the man sitting next to me cracking pistachios.

bunnies on the bus

2010-06-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about writing. She was talking about how starting a blog helped launch her into writing a novel. I told her about my blog and then a realized that I have not written in this in for a whole year! I guess part of it has been that I've been waiting till I go to China so I have something else to write about besides ranting about theological issues. I also can get super critical of myself and prefer to write in a word document that no one will probably ever see, it's getting up to about 500 pages now. Maybe someday I will edit it down into some sort of memoir but I feel like something pretty epic has to happen in my life first in order to do that. I also need to get better at writing.

So for now I will post random forgotten pictures I took when I was in China, and tell the stories of the circumstances in which they were taken. Then when I am actually in China the pictures will be more up to date.

In Shanghai there are street vendors that sell cute little animals; chicks, bunnies, hamsters, puppies, ect. They take them from their mothers before they are old enough, but that also means they are super tiny and cute. One of my good friends once, in an attempt to rescue one, bought a small little shivering bunny, only later to roll over on it while she was sleeping. Needless to say, she ended up killing it in an attempt to rescue it, but I guess one could argue that it died happy in a warm bed instead of shivering in a small cage.

I have always wondered how these small animals were transported since most people in Shanghai don't have cars, and most definitely not street vendors. Well one day, I found out; they take the bus. Riding on the bus with the bunnies definitely made my 45 min bus-ride seem much shorter. I will never buy one and thus contribute to selling of underage bunnies, but I can enjoy their cuteness, right?

to the christians in my generation

2009-05-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

I heard one time that when you crave chocolate your body actually needs protein, sure chocolate might have some good things to offer but a steady diet will leave you malnourished and if you really would have ate protein you would have fixed the problem. It seems as if the current generation has come to the Emergent church, much like people who crave chocolate really are needing protein.

My generation has had it with the hypocrisy, the legalism and the watered down disconnected evangelicalism, that seems to be all about formulas. It is right to be frustrated by these things. It seeks authenticity, truth that makes sense in everyday life, humble acknowledgement that we don’t have all the answers, a renewed appreciation for arts in the church, and getting rid of some of the focus on trial matters. Then comes the Emergent church, with it’s loving tolerance, introspection, frankness, and cultural sensitivity.

It has scratched the itch, but only for the moment. It leaves us sidetracked with open-ended contemplative questions but few answers. It is self contradictive but redefines things in such a way as to seem profound. But it is lacking. It, like our current culture, has many uninformed opinions not rooted in any historical fact. It has cut both it’s legs and then wants to redefine what standing really means. It leaves spiritually anemic Christians that want to share Christ with others but since the gospel has been so stripped down there isn’t much left to share that even resembles the gospel.

I can say, at least for myself that it has been a battle not to get swept into this stream. If it is not called out for what it truly is, it can be quite appealing. For those that grew up in church and had some bad experiences, or where told if they listened to rock music they were going to hell, or that they were supposed to hate gay people. We should react strongly to these errors we were possibly exposed to. We should seek orthodoxy and faith that has meat on it’s bones. We should reject the health wealth and prosperity gospel that is out there. But we should not turn to the Emergent church for answers. (first of all because they aren’t giving any, they are mostly asking questions) We should seek truth, it hasn’t died in the 21^st century as many people would say it has. Christ is still alive and working. We should seek to communicate this truth to a post-modern audience without compromising it’s integrity. We should not just pick up the newest Christian book with an edgy cover and just mindlessly ingest the entire thing. We should go back to studying theology and wrestling with some issues. Truth doesn’t change, culture does. We should be in the world and not of the world. Our clothes might change with the times but our truth should not. We need to be discerning!

how sure is "sure"?

2009-04-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

Exactly to what degree does one have to be sure about something to move out of the realm of indecision towards decision? There has to be some point where one says, ok I think I can say I am sure now and not just wavering in uncertainty. This could apply to many life situations, where one is having to make decisions. I struggle with this. I over-think it, over analyze. Sure I might make fun of some of my friends for spending way too much time thinking over what soft drink to get or what to pick on a menu (you know who you are and I love you, and wouldn't want you to change), but really I am no different when it comes to them in larger matters. I think about all the different possibly options and how all the little decisions can have huge effects on the larger decisions. That is all I will say because I know that it is exhausting to have these long drawn out thoughts in my head and I don't really want to exhaust anyone else with them any longer than necessary. So you get my point. But there must be a certain point someone reaches where they are ready to stop musing about something and plan a course of action and take it. I know a lot of people aren't ever really 100% positive when making huge life decisions, which honestly scares me. I would like it to always be 100% yes, 0% no or vice versa. And sadly a lot of this is based on human emotions which we all know can be very flawed. So it's basically a gamble. You pray that God would guide you and your flawed emotions towards the things He wants you to do, and hope that you understand correctly and don't misinterpret things. But through it all He is ultimately in control and if He doesn't want me to do something He has the power to prevent it or to change my course.

All vagueness aside I am really struggling with decision making in regards to the next 5 years of my life. I am considering going back to Shanghai with DBC. It would be a 4 year commitment, which anyone who knows me knows that 5 year plans scare me to no end, I don't like to plan more than a year in advance. But it also seems as if God is guiding me in this direction, I am just struggling with how sure I have to be to say, "I am doing this" instead of "I am thinking about doing this".

to blog or not to blog...what was the question?

2009-02-15T15:49:00.000-08:00

Is facebook and blogging filling the gap that community left or is it pushing community out of the way? Does it enable us to be better informed on each other’s lives and connect us with people or does it give the illusion that we really know people? Is it a help to people’s social lives or does it replace them all together? Does it let us know more intimate things about each other or does it give us the illusion that we know each other? What are social networking tools doing to the upcoming generation? Can we talk to people face to face anymore or would we rather just read their blog? Did we really communicate with people when we were talking face to face or did it just consist of “hi, how are you?-good and you?” end of conversation? Does refusal to participate in the internet community cut us off from communicating with our culture?

I don’t claim to know the answers to these questions, it think they are complex issues and the answers are probably different for everyone. I think it can’t be broad brushed and done away with all together. Sometimes I have to begrudgingly check facebook or people’s blogs as an act of being faithful and knowing how to pray for them and keeping in touch. I have friends all over the country and all over the globe and it is not realistic to assume I will be able to see all of them face to face and have a conversation but I certainly don’t want to forget about them in my thoughts and prayers just because I don’t like the idea of blogging or whatever. It is hard to maintain community in general, even if you live in the same city much less when someone is halfway across the globe, but you take what you can get. I am notoriously bad at not emailing people and keeping in touch, even when I know what it feels like to be halfway across the globe and have people not keep in touch, but I am trying to be better. I don’t know why I am rambling, I just have a lot of ideas about this at the moment. I just guess I want to challenge people not too just shun technology because there are all these problems and moral issues with it but to say… USE technology don’t let it use you, keep in touch with people (even if they are down the street), think about the effect that technology has on your life and make sure it is helping and not hindering your communication with people. If we default to more and more impersonal methods of communication when more personal ones are possible fellowship will surely be less authentic and will suffer greatly.

Revolving Door

2009-01-28T13:13:00.000-08:00

I feel like the last year and a half has been a revolving door of friends, enter new friend A, friend B exit stage right. Of course I’m sure to others I am the character entering and exiting their sitcom of life. Not that life is a sitcom, but maybe yours is or maybe a Lifetime movie. Anyway back to what I was saying; friends have been entering and exiting my life at more of an accelerated rate recently. Maybe it’s due to the stage of life I am at where friends are getting married, maybe it’s living abroad and then being friends with people who are living abroad. The world is getting smaller, but also more chaotic. It seems like sometimes the most interesting people you meet aren’t meant to stay in your life for very long. One of my friends was explaining a Chinese concept to us last night that was somewhat similar to fate. It has to do with people destined to meet each other, and if they have more of this particular “force” then they will stay friends for longer. No matter what you believe, people are in your life for a reason, that is for sure and it is hard not to believe that. It is interesting to hear how other people explain it. I think it is the sovereignty of God, no I know it is the sovereignty of God. He puts people in my life to teach me things and also maybe sometimes I teach them. I love meeting people from all over the world and hearing their point of view, even if I have never been to their home country it gives me at least some understanding of where they come from. Also it gives me insight into how to pray for the world and the different issues people are facing that I might be insulated from in my American bubble. Well that’s been a lot of rambling, but I mean all of this to say that if you have been someone who has been in and out of my life at some point, I have appreciated you being a part of my life. And thus the revolving door spins…

:)

2009-01-23T18:41:00.000-08:00

Well I have orientation tomorrow and classes start on Monday. I don't get my books from Amazon till Wednesday, so that could be a problem. After looking at the book list I anticipate doing nothing but studying from now till May, so this may be my last post for a while. 3 months, 11 books (most of which aren't fluffy-read-quickly ones either, and I'm a slow reader), 13 hours of courses and working part time. With careful time and money budgeting and lots of prayer I think I'll make it through. Talk to you in 3 months.

untitled

2009-01-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

The last week and a half has been stressful/exciting. There have been a lot of things to think about and decisions to be made that I have been pondering the last two months. God has really been doing a lot in my heart since I got back from China. I feel like I've been tossed to a fro by dreams and ideas but over the last two months I have had more direction. I have also done a lot of praying about the confirmation of this direction and will continue to do so. I have decided to take a step in faith and I have put in my application for MTI (Denton Bible's missionary training institute). It's a year and a half and then if everything goes as planned I will be going off to a foreign land for four years (at least). Yes it's terrifying, but I have peace, and honestly I can't see myself doing anything else at this point. Not to say that I am perfect or cut out for this or anything. God has a lot more work to do on me before I go back oversees that's for sure.

Christmas Vacation (boring title, I know)

2009-01-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

This Christmas break started earlier than I thought because I ended up getting sick the entire week before and during Christmas. I had originally planned to take two weeks off, one for Christmas and then other for going to Washington, D.C and NYC. Even though I wasn't getting paid I figured I could make it work with the money I had saved. My boss is very gracious about giving me as much time as I need, well partly because it's a really slow time of year and he doesn't have to pay me. Anyway so I spent a week lounging around my apartment watching movies with our house guest Amrita. She was staying with us until she went back to Malaysia, she left yesterday, sad. It was as much fun as I could have had while being very sick. Then I went home for Christmas and ended up lounging around my parent's house. I assured them that it was because I was sick and not because I have become a lazy bum since they last saw me. I felt bad that I couldn't help my mom with the food preparation but I also didn't want to give everyone a gift that would probably keep on giving after the holidays where over. Yuck!

Due to the fact that my parents now have cable, they never did when I was growing up, I ended up watching a House marathon on USA that continued on for three days. Even though I was sick I shouldn't have been that much of a bum, I should have read or something. Oh well.

Ok but that was not the interesting part of the break, m

y brain turning to mush and all. So then, hyped up on cold meds and antibiotics I got on a bus with 50 other students to embark on the long drive to Washington D.C. from Denton. It ended up being about 29 hours and a storm was chasing us all the way

through Tennessee. But we made it and ended up all having a great time at the Vision "08 conference. It was put on by Bridges International, a ministry of Campus Crusade, focused on reaching international students. There ended up being 900 students at the conference. At times I was confused as to what country I was in because I kept hearing all these different languages being spoken, I think there were 50 different counties represented. was cool to get to meet people from all different countries and cultures. It was also a good time to get to know people better. Because I work full time I don't get to hang out with the students as m

uch as I would like to, so it was a good time to deepen relationship, and also just have a lot of fun together in a new place. After the conference I was really exciting about the possibility of doing Bridges but I also feel conflicted about it. So I feel like God is reaffirming more and more my love for cross cultural ministry, it's just a matter of where. I am also considering doing MTI next year, but I still need to have some meetings regarding that. I feel

incredibly inadequate and I have really wrestled with God on the idea since I got back from China. But that's a whole other blog for another day. All that to say that I felt like there was clarity, but not complete clarity.

Woohoo for the Capital building!

After the conference I took the subway with some Chinese students I had met to the bus station to catch my $8 bus to New York. I was on a different bus than my new friends so I ended up leaving them early to find it. I couldn't find the bus stop anywhere. I went to the intersection they said it was going to be at, but I couldn't find anything resembling a bus stop. Frustrated that I my good deal might have been too good to be true I called my friends to see if I could buy a ticket for the bus they were taking. My friend Fei told me, they had an extra ticket I could have! As I sat down next to one of the guys in the group he asked me if I was a Christian, I told him yes. Then he said, well it looks like God was watching out for you. It turns out that he was also a Christian and we talked about the church in China for a long time. It was good to take the bus with people I knew, well at least people I had met before getting on the bus.

Then we arrived in Chinatown in New York. I had to meet up with Dana at the subway, but we ended up going to two different stops. I had this huge rolly bag that might have well have said in large letters "ROB ME I'M A LOST TOURIST". As I was rolling this bag around trying to find the right subway line to take I saw a girl with a map open so I thought I might ask her where to go. I glanced at her map, and but I couldn't read it because it was in another language. Anyway she didn't know were to go either and so we decided to be lost together since it was way past dark and there was a guy not too far from us hassling some girls. Turns out she was from France and just visiting, no wonder I couldn't read the map. We asked more people if they knew where to go but they also had no clue. But finally we made it, and I met up with Dana, Justin, Gram and Natalie. First day of the New Year and God

was definitely taking care of me every step of the way.

It looks like China, smells like China and sounds like China; but it's actually New York.

New York was so much fun. We did a few touristy things like walk across the Brooklyn bridge, eat pizza at Lambardi's, see a Broadway musical, visit Time Square and go the the Brooklyn museum of art. Oddly enough it really made me miss living in a big city. I thought I'd never say that, because living in Shanghai was really hard and it bummed me out not to be able to see the sunset and the stars. But I really did miss it. All the people and excitement, the fact that people aren't so isolated at least not in the same way as suburban america.

It was also good to catch up with friends I hadn't talked to in about 6 months; Dana, Sally, Justin, Steven and Megan. And also get to know Gram and Natalie better. It was a really fun time. I felt like I probably talked about China way too much but it was on my mind a lot because there were all these memory triggers being in a big city with public transit and all.

The flight back was weird and this guy ended up falling asleep on my shoulder. Awkward! I didn't end up saying anything about it because I didn't want to embarrass him, I just nudged him off. At last after traveling all the way across to the east coast and being gone for 10 days I was back in Denton. I ended up taking another day off of work just to process it all, also I really just didn't want to go back to work. Sorry this is so long, I haven't blogged in a while so just think of this as making up for lost time. Now I probably won't blog again for another 2 months or unless something exciting happens.

speak the truth in love

2008-11-13T21:57:00.000-08:00

To "speak the truth in love" is harder and less simple than it sounds. How must I, an imperfect being, incapable of loving or speaking, speak the truth in love? How often is my own opinion spoken in the place of truth or truth get spoken in a way that doesn't show love? Today I had a conversation with a friend where some truth was spoken about a myriad of things. I walked away with an uneasy feeling, did I say the right thing? Or was it the way I said it? Something was off about the whole conversation. Maybe it was their response. (which I would be more ok with because then it would mean that they just found the truth offensive, as many people often do, and it isn't my job to always say what is comfortable) I guess it is out of my hands....

I've taken a break from blogging partly because I just don't have time and also partly because I don't want to rant on a blog "just because". My feelings about blogs are always mixed. But don't worry, I like reading other people's blogs, so don't take this as judgment, fellow bloggers. Blog on. Just think about what you are saying and why you are saying it, as I have not thought about always in the past. I feel like often I have cluttered the internet and people's inboxes with hasty-meaningless garbage that was more about my self glorification than anything. (Wow that's not self disclosing or anything). Anyway I repent of trying to be clever, witty or even thought provoking for my own self glorification and not God's.

dreams are work, man

2008-09-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

Dreams are weird. In the words of the late Mitch Hedberg "Dreams are work, man. One minute you are in your bed the next you are helping build a go-cart with your ex-landlord."

I had the most random conglomeration of genres in my dream last night. So it started out and I was living in a home for special needs kids, not as one of them but just helping out and living amongst them. It was really cool to be able to be their friend and help them with stuff. Everything was going fine until one of the kids mom's got mad at me and told me I had to move. * Next dream segment- I am hanging out with some friends on the porch of an old house, probably after I got kicked out of my last home, and all of a sudden these birds start attacking us. I go into the house and set up camp in the third floor. Then other animals start going ballistic and attacking people as well. I'm not sure if they were zombies or what. At one point I was fighting a squirrel and I think I had some really big knives. It was weird. * Next dream segment- I had parked in front of my friend's neighbor's house for about a week, probably while I was doing all the things mentioned previous. When I got to the car there was a collection of angry notes all stapled together in book form. They probably wrote about 5 a day while I was parked there. I was so angry at the fact that they had taken all this time to write me something hateful. I was still thinking about what to write back to them when I woke up, then I realized that I can't actually write a response note to fictional people.

2008-08-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

For my job I end up looking at thousands of last names and street addresses, and man are their some strange ones. I saw a street named 53 Friends. And some of my favorite last names were Firesheets, Evangelist, and Strange. More to come...

On to something completely different, sometimes America is just odd. I mean advertising is ridiculous sometimes. I got a couple of ads in the mail that really kinda made me mad.

"Discover true happiness in a living room that's made for living." IKEA (really, true happiness? if I don't discover it can I return everything?)

and "You are not going out looking that pale!" Planet Tan (I almost mailed this back to them with a long letter, but it ended up in the trash before that happened)

Seriously what is up with tanning anyway? In China it is beautiful to be pale and they sell whitening cream, here they sell tanning memberships. But at least you don't get cancer from whitening cream, I think we got the short end of the stick on that one. But seriously it's so subjective as to what beauty really is and yet everyone is dying to attain it. I am reminded of a verse in Ecclesiastics about vanity and chasing after the wind...

answered prayers

2008-07-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

I have to write this quickly since my internet keeps going out, but I have a job and a car now! Well I mean I had a car before but I might as well have been throwing money out the window for how much I was paying for gas. 15MPG, not good. And since I have to drive 20 min to work everyday I might as well have been subtracting an hour of pay each day. But it worked out to where I could sell my car and get another that gets 34 mpg for not very much at all. I feel like all these things I was stressing about all summer are getting taken care of. God is good, I mean even if I didn't have a job and a car He would still be good, but I just want to praise Him for answered prayers!

mute person eating bitter medicine

2008-07-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to talk about the job anymore, plus it’s probably boring everyone anyway. Let’s just say, when I get a job for sure, I’ll write all about it. I do have some work here and there to get by financially, so God is taking care of me.

Until then let’s talk about China. I feel like I haven’t wanted to talk about it that much, mainly in part because of mixed emotions and my inability to create a summary of the trip. My feelings reminded me of a Chinese phrase that one of my friends told me. “A mute person eats bitter medicine”, not that my time was bitter but it just means that I have so much to say but don’t have the words. I feel like that every time someone asks me how China was. I am not saying that I don’t appreciate people asking me, but it’s just really hard to get out a short answer. I guess I should start answering that question with, “lets get coffee”. I am also still processing what the trip meant to me and how God used it in my life. Sure I can see tangible ways that God used us while we were there but I also feel strange talking about those, for reasons that are somewhat complicated.

I guess I can say this, China was difficult in so many ways, but I am thankful for that . I had to get on my knees daily and surrender to the Lord if I even wanted to make it through the day emotionally. That, in retrospect, was GREAT. Now I am just trying to rely on the Lord in a place that has it’s own struggles, mostly because it is so much easier. I’ve only been back for two months and I already want to go someplace new. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed my time back in America. For the most part it has been very restful. But I am really wanting to face new challenges, experience new cultures, rely on God in new ways and see Him work in ways I have never seen. Yep I’m ruined for life, I will probably never be able to have a normal life in America.

I realize now that I didn’t really talk about China at all in this post. Maybe next time, I occasionally have things that remind me of China and I get what I call flashbacks. Living abroad and coming back is somewhat like having amnesia. I’ve talked with my friend Tomomi and she agrees. When you go back to your home country you forget that your life abroad every existed. I don’t want that to happen. God taught me too much to forget it all.

at least for tomorrow...I have a job

2008-07-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

Last week, seeing as I hadn't yet heard back from the school, I searched on Craigslist for jobs. I ended up getting a phone call back from a lady about a nanny job, but she said that she is filing for divorce, her husband doesn't know yet and so therefore she wouldn't be needing a nanny anytime soon. I was glad I was able to be a sympathetic ear to a completely stranger who seems to be going through a lot but, not knowing her situation, was unable to give any advice. Sure I guess I could have said "don't do it, try and work things out" but I have no idea what the situation is. Even in my own culture, where I can communicate, knowing how to help complete strangers is still difficult.

Well today I got called back from another craiglister and they asked if I could come in at 1:30 for an interview. This was for a personal assistant/nanny position for a guy who has a business out of his home. It's way out in Little Elm, which I didn't realize it sorta a country town out in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say I way overdressed and now my dress shoes have sand in them. But the drive was amazing, most people don't see fields and hay bales during their daily commute. It's especially shocking when you are used to seeing miles and miles of city (Shanghai). It's a refreshing change.

He said I can come in tomorrow and see how things go, he has three other people who are doing the same thing. It's not official yet but at least I have a chance. I am praying that God will put me where he wants me.

2008-06-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my apartment A/C broken and waiting for the job to call and the air conditioner repair man to call back. It was making terrible elephant-type noises on Saturday and then it just decided to give out. There is a nice breeze though so it's not too hot in the house and it's kinda nice hearing the outside noises while you sleep.

As far as the job goes, I called the IELI office last week and they said they would call me to set up an interview. That was almost a week ago and I'm getting a bit ancy. I guess these things take time. I did find an apartment though. It's a townhouse off Hickory, we are going to sign the lease tomorrow. What's weird is that me and Michelle have been looking around and we both stumbled up this one independently of each other. It has two balconies and we get along great with the land lord and his wife. There was also talk about him letting us do a community garden for the complex and he would pay for the materials! It's definitely a big answer to prayer and all three of us feel great about it. I haven't met our third roommate, Sarah, but Michelle said that she was excited about it. She has been back for a couple of months after being in China for 2 years so I'm sure we will have tons in common.

Also I played croquet on the square yesterday, and it was awesome.

Pray for Phoebe

2008-06-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

When I looked at my site headline just now it kinda looked like "consider the lies". No no do not consider the lies, but the lilies rather. They neither toil nor spin, yet even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. God takes care of them. That verse really hit me the other day as I was at Mckenna park reading the Bible, praying, watching the sunset and freaking out about my future.

But this post is not about me, it's about my wonderful friend Phoebe. I met her in Shanghai and in January she moved back to her hometown to look for a job. Well I just found out today, six months later, that she still hasn't found a job. She's moved from city to city and been on countless interviews and still nothing. She said that right now she is living by herself in Shenzhen and doesn't know anyone. I don't understand Phoebe is probably one of the smartest most caring people I met in Shanghai. I told her I would pray that she would get a job soon, and something that she enjoys, like writing. I would appreciate if you all would pray for her as well and that she would see God's love and power through this. I know you don't know her but trust me, she is great.

through our weaknesses He is strong

2008-06-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start this post, I have a lot on my mind and it just might end up coming out in a big disorganized mess. I lately have felt like everything in my life is up in the air and by the world's standards I am a huge failure. I am applying for jobs but I also don't know if I want any of them, or what I would want to do if i had a choice. I'm just a college graduate with no real job experience hanging out in a college town. I feel like all of my friends are either moving, getting married or still in school. I prayed about it and felt like this is where God wants me to be but it also seems like nothing is really happening. I had all this excitement and momentum when I came back but now it is dying down. But could it have been that I just been relying on that excitement and not God?

When I first got to China I felt like God wasn't there. I didn't know how to connect with Him away from everything I knew, but then over time I was relying on Him for things I never knew I needed to rely on Him for. I faced some of the hardest things I have ever had to go through over there, and I really began to trust Him in new ways. Now that I am back it is difficult all over again. I am relearning how to trust God here in America. We are so blessed here but we have different struggles. For starters we often think that we are in control. There are so many conveniences that it gives us the illusion that we are in control, not Him. That's why people get so mad when they get cut off in traffic or they get mayonnaise on their hamburger by accident. "Have it your way, right away" or your going to be really pissed.

Well I feel again that I have fallen subject to this lie. I haven't really been trusting God, I have been trusting myself and I have failed. I also have been down on myself for not meeting the world's standard of success. When people ask me what I am doing I need to be fine with saying "I am waiting on the Lord for my future plans", but often I am not. Even in Christian circles, we might have a different measure of success than the world but we still have one no the less. There is this pressure to tell people what you are doing in ministry or where God has called you. I don't know specifically where God has called me but I do know this, there are people out there that don't know about His love, and I am supposed to be some dim reflection of it with my life. I feel terribly unqualified for that job, but through my weakness He is strong. I shouldn't care if I don't meet the world's standards of success, Jesus didn't and we are supposed to model our lives after Him. So if you are single, unemployed, don't know what you are doing, broke or even homeless; God can still use you.

On a positive note it looks like I'll be starting BTCL in the fall. I just got the acceptance letter today! It helped to brighten my spirits.

sometimes I miss living in an apartment

2008-06-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was determined to mow our lawn, or get it mowed at the least. Since we live in the historic district we can get fined $500 for not mowing our lawn. Yikes. I was calling around trying to find a mower, completely unaware that their was one in our garage. Whoops, well I've only been living here for two weeks so you can't blame me. Anyway I went to try to start the mower. Nothing, but thats not unusual, I mean it would be rare if I could start it on the first try. Then I get my roommate to help, and she figures out that the thing doesn't have any gas. So I went to 7-eleven to get gas and a Dr. Pepper slurpie. (man it's been a long time, it was hard to get Dr. Pepper in China much less impossible to get a slurpie)

Back at the house, I try to fill up the mower with gas. After several attempts and gas all over my hands I succeed...but wait, now the mower is leaking gas. Not good. I am sure not going to start it up again, for fear of the mower bursting into flames. I am pretty frustrated at this point. Then I hear my someone mowing down the street. I thought oh yay, if it is a lawn service then I will just beg them to mow my lawn next. I get over there and it's just my neighbor. Somewhat awkwardly I tell him the situation and I ask him if I can pay him to borrow his mower. He was really nice and tells me not to worry about it and in fact I can use his riding lawn mower. Turns out to be a really nice man named Roger who has lived there with his wife since 89. He mows just about all his neighbors lawns on the street, to be nice.

So I mowed the lawn with a riding lawn mower, slurpie in hand.

waiting...

2008-06-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well I've applied for the jobs, and BTCL. I've looked at houses and apartments and taken pictures of my car. Now all that's left is to wait. Wait for... them to call me back for interviews, to see if I got into BTCL, my car to sell, and for a place to live. Even though I am going on my sixth year of living in Denton I might as well have just moved here with all the changes that are going on. I guess this is all the post-college madness I skipped out on by being gone for about a year. But it almost seems like everyone I talk to is going through this same thing.

I biked around yesterday looking for apartments and houses near campus. I was praying the entire time "Lord where do you want me to live?". Although I guess the whole thing will be moot if I don't get the jobs I applied for on campus. I really hope I get the one in IELI. I mean if I could just get an interview and tell them how excited I am about helping out foreigners after being a foreigner for the last year in China, they would hire me. I mean maybe they would hire me... I would have a better chance at least.

It's just difficult when you think God has one direction for you and then it doesn't end up looking like it's going to work out. It also makes you feel a bit like an idiot when you have told a lot of people your "plan". I'm not telling anyone else my prospective plans. When they ask me what I am doing I am just going to run. Or maybe it would be less rude to say "I don't know. Got any suggestions?".

America, land of the free blogging

2008-06-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well I am back in America now so I guess I can continue in the world of blogging. I was away in China where blogspot, xanga, wordpress, ect. are blocked. As a result I was unable to keep up with my xanga but when I came back eight months later the entire format was different. I didn't like it so now I am here. Goodbye forever xanga, it was nice knowing ya.

My adjustment back to living in America has been decent except the whole I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-with-my-life thing. Today I applied for jobs that I turned out not to be qualified for, so we will see. There's nothing like filling out job applications to make you feel like crap about your future. But I know that God is in control, I just have to live like He is.

Well that's it for right now, I'm tired. More to come...